Feeling unaccomplished when looking at a colleague or old classmate and comparing their achievements to yours? Do you wonder: how did they get there while I am here? This question alone is harmless and valid, but the thoughts of inadequacy that often follow are unhelpful and self-defeating. Not only that, but negative thoughts fed by comparisonitis neglect some very real and important truths. Truths about the nuances of your upbringing and the key details that have led you to where you are versus where they are. Truths about the actual amount of effort you each put into every day and task. If you feel unaccomplished next to somebody whose achievements intimidate you, you need to dig deeper for an accurate perspective. With more clarity, you can realistically see the big picture and live with confidence and pride for who you are and where you are at this moment.
We Are Feeling Unaccomplished When We Succumb to Comparisonitis
For many of us, it’s easy to feel like others have accomplished so much more than we have. All I have to do is open my alumni magazine. Usually, I’m thrilled to read about what fellow alumni have done with their lives. I mentally cheer them on and go look up their work. Their stories inspire me and get me eager to brainstorm cool new ideas I can explore. Sometimes, though, I feel defeated and think: where did I go wrong? The more appropriate question to ask, rather, is: in which crucial ways did our lives differ? Your upbringing, environment, and influences play a huge role in how easy it is to become a self-actualized, accomplished adult. Notice I said how easy it is, not how possible it is. Because anything is possible for anyone! It’s just that for some people it can be much harder, at least initially.
Why Some Things Are So Much Harder for Some People Than for Others
After you rule out all logical external factors that would influence how hard or easy something is – such as your nation’s stability or major physical health barriers – the primary force holding you back from achieving what you feel you should be capable of is subconscious. It involves how you view yourself, what you believe you deserve, and what you believe you are capable of. This has nothing to do with what you intellectually and logically think you are or what you think you deserve, but instead it’s about hidden beliefs in your subconscious that you may not even be aware of. These powerful beliefs are often contrary to what your conscious mind thinks is true or right.
Maybe your brain tells you differently because, after all, you are an educated and enlightened adult. But your body and emotions flood you with shame, guilt, resentment, and inadequacy. These are huge red flags signaling you to look inward and give yourself some serious attention. Seek counseling. Meditate. Seek energy work such as Reiki or EFT (emotional freedom technique). Seek trauma therapy. Often, these feelings stem from very early experiences that shaped the way your brain functions and interprets people and events. So when you find yourself in the same bad situation over and over again or repeatedly with the same type of toxic relationship, use that as a learning tool to figure out where this started and what you need to change within your beliefs to rewire your brain and change your life circumstances.
How Our Inner Workings Can Secretly Work Against Us
What does all of this have to do with your accomplishments? The way you view yourself and view the world – not with your rational adult mind, but with your child’s subconscious/heart – impacts how far you ‘let yourself’ get in life. Impostor syndrome is a huge example of limiting self-beliefs. Self-sabotage is another. Repeatedly failed relationships or friendships is another. These are all signs that something in your subconscious is at play and working against what you truly want. It usually stems out of a fear or an outdated need to protect yourself. Getting to the root of this is exactly what you need to do not only to unlock your potential in terms of career or whatever other accomplishments you desire, but to free you to live fully as yourself.
When you’re feeling unaccomplished but choose to look at it from the perspective of unresolved trauma and internal issues holding you back, you can give yourself grace instead of questioning your competence. You know it isn’t because you are lazy or pathetic. You know you actually try and have legitimate forces working against you – from within yourself, of all places. Because the truth is, people who carry unresolved trauma in their cells – whether they are aware of it or not – have a much harder time going about their day and accomplishing normal tasks than people who do not carry such burdens. And sadly, most people don’t even know about their own burdens. As a result, they feel inadequate.
Feeling Unaccomplished vs. a Clarified View of Realistic Accomplishment
When every day is a struggle and seemingly miniscule things are intimidating, it’s easy to see how someone with a history of trauma or any type of unresolved issues may not accomplish as much as somebody else. It’s easy to see how these invisible vices operate to keep people merely surviving rather than thriving. It isn’t the optimal way to function, but humans are incredibly resilient and do what they can despite everything. Still, they only get so far – and meanwhile may remain secretly miserable.
Ordinary events can become triggers that release a torrent of consuming negative emotions that hinder the rest of the day. It can feel like an uphill battle. People then berate themselves for not handling things better. What they really need is the time and focus to heal some critical areas of their selves. Healing is needed for a healthy self-love firstly, and then for healthier relationships with others. From there, anything is possible. With a strong self-love, forgiveness, sense of personal significance, and a historically accurate perspective on your life and struggles, you can confidently navigate life’s challenges and achievements.
A Healthy Perspective Clarifies Our First Priority: Internal Accomplishment
Let’s clarify something: putting somebody into a nice school that boasts highly accomplished graduates is not the key determinant for a balanced and successful life. The extent to which that individual self-actualizes and achieves fulfilling life goals is firstly based on their own ability to constructively handle relationships and stressors. If they are crippled by a deep-rooted fear of which they aren’t even aware, it matters little how much education they’ve accrued. What matters more is their ability to recognize, confront, and get help to address past baggage they’ve always carried that has weighed down their potential. That baggage has to go; otherwise it will forever be an invisible barrier.
Here are some examples of scenarios that can leave you feeling unaccomplished by comparison, as well as a reality check for your thoughts in each circumstance. Imagine you are feeling down about yourself after learning of the successes of some classmates:
1. Sandra
Sandra’s kids are already twice as old as yours (which means she must have been financially and emotionally stable enough to start having kids way before you were) and she’s a top exec in her career.
Reality check: You found yourself among different crowds at the same age as Sandra and, by likelihood or pure luck, did not meet someone you cared to father children with until several years later. Or, you did meet someone, but you both needed more time to find yourselves and develop into the adults that you now are before focusing on something as serious and all-consuming as parenting. Or, you chose instead to focus all of your time and effort on parenting your children instead of securing them in a good childcare facility to pursue a career. Both options can be equally gratifying and rewarding and are completely up to the parent’s personal values and goals.
2. Reem
Reem already traveled the world by her mid-twenties while you unhappily worked a low-paying job to pay off student loans. Now she’s involved in an impressive non-profit that directly supports marginalized communities, while you schlep unhappily to your mediocre job.
Reality check: You came from different backgrounds and parents with different socioeconomic statuses. Her parents assumed full financial responsibility for her education, which freed up her time and money to travel before settling down into a full-time commitment. Or, she secured a generous scholarship that left her debt-free and able to pursue such opportunities post-university. Or, her fiscally secure family has generously subsidized her living arrangements and/or other living expenses that seem incompatible with the income a non-profit startup can afford. These are external factors completely out of your control and for which you can choose to be glad for Reem. You never know what blessings and luck may come your way when you keep an attitude of gratitude, believe in your competencies, and stay open to possibilities!
3. Cecilia
Cecilia is now an accomplished writer, television producer, and film exec who rubs shoulders with A-list celebrities and lives a dream life in LA. She travels first class for work and is constantly engaged in exciting projects.
Reality check (assuming you both majored in the same area, which may be necessary to allow similar career paths): By college, Cecilia had a strongly developed self-esteem and confidence that led her to work hard to overcome obstacles and try new things. These traits served her well, especially once she found herself in the right place at the right time. Or, she had no major stressors in her life that distracted her from accruing experiences and passionately pursuing her dreams. Maybe you had other challenges, whether with mental health, family struggles, an unhealthy relationship, or a fear-based need to ‘play it safe’ and stick to easier goals that better guaranteed success. While that may have influenced your initial career path, you can now observe and learn to reshape what you truly believe and how capable and loveable you see yourself. And this influences where you go from here!
How to Debunk Comparisonitis When We Are Feeling Unaccomplished
We all know life isn’t fair. We didn’t choose our family or birthplace. Nor did we choose the circumstances we were born into. We didn’t choose the way we were raised and the people we were around. But as adults, we can choose what to do with the knowledge we have. We can choose to learn more, and we can choose to follow our intuition and seek help. We can choose to prioritize our own mental health and healing above all else. It may be frustrating when our instinct is to try and achieve as many outward achievements as possible in order to feel good about ourselves since that is what society rewards, but in the end that behaviour is self-defeating as we will always find somebody more accomplished than us.
Broaden Your Concept of Accomplishment to Include Crucial, Much Needed Self-Healing
The key is to shift our mindset so that we view self-healing as the number one accomplishment. When we do that, doors open that we never knew were even there. When we start healing and keep at it, accomplishments suddenly seem a lot more achievable. But we have to stop self-sabotaging ourselves first with self-defeating comparisonitis.
If you carry a significant burden of trauma that has been screaming for your attention one unpleasant way or another over your entire life, then the most productive thing you can do is to give your inner space the time and attention it needs. Just because you see others achieving huge feats doesn’t mean they didn’t also have some kind of issues they had to deal with at some point, too. Or maybe they were lucky and haven’t had the same type of crippling issues. In that case, they did the most productive thing they could – which is awesome. You doing the most productive thing you can do now – unapologetically addressing inner pain that stifles you – is also awesome. One is not better than the other! But while yours may be harder, who knows just how bright your light will shine as you emerge transformed.
The Takeaway: When Feeling Unaccomplished, Redirect Automatic Thoughts (and Feelings) to a Realistic Perspective
The next time you notice yourself getting depressed and feeling unaccomplished due to what someone else is doing, get curious. Stop your thoughts and examine them. Ask, what is the big picture here? What am I neglecting to take into account? Turn the situation into a positive learning experience. Ask yourself, what have I observed and learned from my own upbringing and life circumstances that I can apply to how I raise my own family? What can I do differently? What positive influences can I incorporate into their lives that I lacked in my own life?
Our real lives are often our greatest learning opportunities, more than any formal education. If you can take what you have learned from your own life and apply it to how you want things to be different from here on out – whether for you or for your children – then you are most accomplished. Rather than feeling unaccomplished, you can feel empowered and proud of your growth and development despite all odds that have ever been against you. Thank your life for its lessons, make peace with it, and reject all feelings of inadequacy because those don’t belong to you.