How to Give Good Gifts

Giving gifts, receiving gifts. Buying gifts, making gifts. Material gifts, service gifts. Gifts of time, gifts to eat. Choosing gifts. Deciding how much money you can/should feasibly spend on gifts. Stressing over all of the mental and physical steps involved in giving gifts for occasions that call for it. Not because you don’t want to give a good gift or because you believe that somebody does not deserve a gift, but because the entire process can be time consuming and mentally draining and you have a thousand family members (can anybody relate?).

Then, what to do with gifts you receive that you don’t want or for which you have no room. Not only is there a mental process involved (queue guilt at not wanting to keep it in the first place), but your valuable time is spent trying to decide what to do with it and where to keep it in the meantime. When a simple phone call would have sufficed (no material gift needed)!

I know that not everyone can relate, and some people absolutely love to receive gifts no matter what it is. I also know that everyone is not as clutter-averse as I am, and that, for some people, receiving gifts is their number one love language! No matter what your experience is with receiving gifts, this discussion focuses on giving gifts to others, a matter to which we need to be especially attentive in order to separate from our own experience of receiving.

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Clueless Gift-Giving is Like Throwing Darts Blindfolded

I will be the first to confess that, over the years, I have bought or made some hilariously ridiculous gifts for people. This is certainly more acceptable and expected as a child, such as the Christmas I bought my stepbrother an exotic cat figurine, which I thought was the coolest thing ever, from one of those incense/smoke shops at the mall. It may have even been leopard-print painted (and he was 20 at the time, not quite the ripe old age for collecting knick-knacks). At a younger age of maybe 6 or 7, I bought my mom, who is a nurse, a small homemade nurse doll from my elementary school’s seasonal ‘gift shop’ set up in the library where students could buy Christmas gifts for family members or whomever. My mom and stepdad always laughingly dubbed it ‘the exorcist nurse’ because its head could spin around entirely (I think she may actually still have it). We tend to cherish the silly gifts given by children because it is their thoughts that count.

During college (no longer a child), my spending funds unsurprisingly dwindled each year and so Christmas gifts included paintings and thrift shop clothes. I enjoyed painting portraits and wasn’t half bad, but some of them were borderline-psychedelic and not framed or even on a sturdy canvas, just flimsy paper (breaking a huge rule of mine that I’ve since established: don’t give a gift that will require any extra time, money or effort of the recipient such as the purchase of an art frame). Not exactly the type of art I would display on my own wall, even in my 30s.

My gracious uncle, a corporate executive, kindly thanked me for the plaid button-up shirt from Goodwill, as did other family members who received what I thought to be decent clothing articles from the same store. After all, I wear plenty of thrift finds to this day – but we need to consider what the recipient (not us) would want/wear! My intentions were always good, and I didn’t want to leave anyone out – which is why thought truly went into every gift. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize how giving a good gift really means putting extra thought and consideration into each person, their lifestyle, and what they would most appreciate.

Give Edible Gifts When You Know Your Recipient’s Dietary Preferences

Middle-aged to older men are the hardest demographic for which to shop, in my opinion. For a younger woman, they will almost always have more money at their own disposal to buy the things they would normally want or need. And they’re less likely to be interested in frivolous bath bombs, candles, or lotions. The middle-aged to older men in my family probably received the most ridiculous gifts because I simply never knew what to give them! I eventually understood this as well as the fact that nobody wants a bunch of crap cluttering up their house, so I have since mainly given edible gifts. Here is where you really can’t go wrong so long as you understand any dietary restrictions and taste preferences.

My late grandpa on my dad’s side, who was first-generation American via Germany, always appreciated a six-pack of quality beer. And you really can’t go wrong with my dad when it comes to tasty chocolates. I have found a couple of other men in mine and my husband’s family to love the Harry and David pears, a seasonal gift favourite. You see, edible things are enjoyed and then they disappear so there is no worry about clutter or figuring out where to store them. Also, every human I have ever met eats food, so as long as you have some idea as to what types of food or drink they like, you can provide a gift they will certainly appreciate.

The Difficulty in Giving When They Know Better What They Want

You may understandably want to give more meaningful and personal gifts, at least to some people with whom you have a closer relationship. This is where time and effort come into play (and not necessarily tons of money) if you want to give a good gift. Here, you must know what they do with their time (or would like to do more of). The tricky part is gauging what they already have or knowing exactly what kind of item they would want. Sometimes you may know more about an item than the recipient and in that case you have the advantage and can make the executive decision. Most of the time, though, he/she will know more about whatever it is you want to gift and so you are at the disadvantage of not wanting to get the wrong thing (which is why it is sometimes safer to just get food).

My husband often wants/needs certain tools that he will use in the garage or for repairing things around the house. I know nothing about what he is doing and don’t know what to get, though, and he is at the advantage for having spent plenty of time using/researching different items. It wouldn’t be the most appropriate use of my time to pour over information online, researching all I can about something, when he has already decided which is best (or which is best appropriate to meet his specific needs). In the past, he told me exactly what he wanted and I bought it for him. But now that we have a shared spending account, it seems silly to ‘surprise’ the other with an expected gift. That is why personable gifts are some of the hardest, at least as people get older: you have to really figure out what they don’t already have – something you would be better at picking out – and which you honestly believe they will enjoy.

Pay Attention in Conversation for Gift Ideas

When you know someone well enough, or at least well enough to have picked up a couple of tips based on conversation with them, it isn’t hard to decide on a decent gift. Just pay close attention any time you are talking with anyone, and mentally catalog things you realize they enjoy.

Does your mother-in-law appreciate spa care? Is your sister working herself to the bone? Is your cousin going through a major stressor that’s leaving him physically and emotionally depleted? Take these as clues for what may benefit them. A bamboo bathtub tray table with designated nooks for a book, phone and wine glass is a thoughtful and beneficial gift (just make sure you know they have a bathtub!) because it takes a relaxing bath to the next level. This is just the type of thing people often don’t indulge in for themselves but, when gifted it, they find it delightful.

My husband raves about a couple of sweaters I got him two years ago for Christmas and has made a point to remark how much he loves sweaters, and so this year he will get a couple more sweaters. A most unoriginal gift, I realize, but the point is that he loves sweaters and isn’t one to go shopping (or online shop for clothes). That is where I have the advantage since I am the superior clothing shopper in this house.

Gifts That Require No Money Expenditure

Keep in mind: when money is tight, money is tight. You are under no obligation to blow your budget for any reason that is detrimental to the financial situation for you and your family. There is so much pressure to buy gifts for occasions, and while that can be fun and thoughtful, it can also be stressful. I think that much of this pressure can come from ourselves, too, even when others are completely understanding and undemanding. When you really want to give a gift and are financially strapped, you should know that some of the best gifts you can give are priceless.

If you have the extra time, any gift of service is an excellent option: give a ‘gift certificate’ for you to spend a couple of hours cleaning her house while she can take a break, or to babysit for an evening, or to help with yard work. If you do not have the extra time (and many don’t!), even something as simple as writing a list of all the traits you admire about him and why, in a heartfelt ‘Christmas gram’ of sorts, would warm his spirit in a way that no material gift could. The giving of yourself – whether in your time or your words – is actually the most valuable and sacrificial way to give a good gift.

Receiving Well-Meaning Gifts with Grace and Gratitude

One last note I will touch upon, in regards to receiving gifts: even if I receive something that I cannot or will not use and even if I am inconvenienced, I still understand that (at least in most cases) the gift was given with love and thought, just like how I used to give ridiculous gifts with love and thought before I understood everything I’ve learned since. I still appreciate and genuinely thank the giver, because it really is the thought that counts, and they gave me a gift because they thought of me and extended an effort in some way to show that. Also, even though it takes a little time, I have become an expert re-gifter. I do not feel guilty about this because the gift-giving intention (love and attention) was genuinely received; now I pass along the vessel in which that love was given (that is, the physical gift) to someone else who truly could use it, and then they are benefited. Win-win for all!

No matter what and no matter how, it is best to give with forethought and intention if you intend to give a gift at all. Happy gifting!