It seems there are unspoken standards of what your life should look like at any given life stage. For instance, young adults with kids are expected to live a somewhat frazzled, busy lifestyle where they sacrifice everything for their children and justify their lack of self-care and personal health with never ending tasks in the name of the family: driving to/from school when busing is not an option for any given reason, serving on various school committees, and endless trips to children’s extracurricular activities and social events (since hardly anyone lives anywhere walkable anymore, and the safer walkable districts are often unaffordable to the working and middle classes), to name just a few expectations of this life stage.
The Modern Reality of Parenting
Obviously, parenting is a huge sacrifice that automatically makes life more difficult (unless one has the means to hire an army of help, or a family with the means to offer vast amounts of their time) and so this expectation is true by default, at least to an extent. Juggling time for self-care is a given, and there will be plenty of time spent for and with children at every age. However, the measure can often be quite high and can suggest the assumption that every parent should sacrifice their own life’s needs to meet every real or imagined desire of their children, and they are frowned upon if they do not. These are high life stage expectations for what is arguably life’s most trying season.
Thankfully, there is an increasing awareness in society that mothers not only need a life outside of parenting but deserve it, dammit. Still, there seems to be a general acceptance of the stress and frustrations felt by many parents in middle-age-hood who, rightfully, desire to have a more well-rounded life that involves more than slaving away at work, chores, and others’ beck and call. It is as if the frenzy is to be expected and accepted and, therefore, no solution shall be sought. End of story. But is that all we have to say? Is there a greater discussion addressing the fact that young parents are some of the most overworked and overstressed citizens of our society, and that perhaps it is because so much is expected of them at all costs?
The Middle Age: Too Late to Pick Up Where You Left Off?
Once children grow up and move out of the house, parents are suddenly engulfed either by a glorious golden dawn of abundant time, or by a deep depression at the thought of not only missing their children but missing their purpose. I am certain that even those who delight in the prospect of time aplenty also deeply miss their children, at least to some extent, so I imagine that is a bittersweet period. But those who only find themselves asking ‘now what do I do with myself?’ have likely lost their sense of self and purpose in the world aside from the role of parenting. After all, parenting is a temporary role. You remain a parent in family status but your role of parenting ends when children become independent adults. You are no longer responsible for their actions.
For those who find purpose and fun in the new independence from dependents, life seems to suddenly bless them with an abundance of social events with peers who have the same free schedule and who foster discussions that, for once, don’t overwhelmingly center on children. Personally, I think that sounds delightful – like picking up where I left off before having children – but why should I have to wait until I am more aged and decrepit (exaggeration, I know – but still) to have regular nights out on the town with friends? Why can’t this current life stage allow me to incorporate that into my life now (to a more modest extent, of course), while I am young and still rather eager and energized to go out and party? Why does the fun have to go on hiatus during young-to-middle-aged parenthood (and quite frankly, why should it ever go on hiatus at all)?
How to Balance Personhood with a Busy Parent Lifestyle
We as young parents are of course more time-pressed, understandably, but the breadth of this is a nationwide epidemic of not only having sadly little time for social adult fun but a severe lack of societal norms to support such endeavors, even if they were to occur sparingly. It is just accepted that we shall have no baby-free friend time more often than once every few months, unless we are lucky enough to have family members living in close proximity who are also willing and able to babysit every weekend. To those who are that lucky, I say have a glass for me on your next night out!
For the rest of us, I believe it is up to us to do everything in our power to foster friendships with others who we trust with our own children and organize ‘family babysitting’ nights where parents rotate the weekends they watch other friends’ children so the other parents can go out together. I have yet to implement this because my son is under two and clearly too young for sleepovers or even late evening-overs, but daytime outings are an option I plan to explore after the pandemic peters out. At this time, our options are limited without all of us coordinating babysitting arrangements on the same evening, but in the future I intend to rally the troops to try and organize an evening out, one way or another!
Party Pace: It is Possible to Pick Up Where We Left Off
Though I am terrified that the next life stage in which I have time to regularly go out and have fun with peers will sport poorly-dressed geezers in orthopedic shoes dancing to embarrassing karaoke at establishments with the word ‘Grille’ included in the title, I know that this need not be my fate. My best friend is over the age of 50, lives in Seattle, and defies her life stage expectations with the nightlife of my dreams. Due to her healthy life choices and, overwhelmingly, a shiningly positive attitude, she neither looks nor acts the way most other 50-something people do. She and her peers are living life to the fullest, and I have every intention of doing the same when I am that age.
Ages and Stages: The Blessings Are What Truly Matter
Let me be clear that even though I pine for the social life and freedom that only seemed possible in my twenties (which is not due to age per se but to life circumstances), I would never trade my son for all the fun in the world and I feel positively blessed to have him in my life. Yearning for more expressive social outlets and adult time with friends does not in any way mean that you love your children any less than you otherwise would without those yearnings. Nor does it mean you don’t also enjoy and cherish every moment with your child, even when things get tough.
I think some of us simply want all that life has to offer, and even though life’s ages and stages warrant some temporary changes (there is a time and a season for everything), it does not mean we have to stay stuck in an assigned stereotype where we mimic the life stage expectations of what we see around us in society. There are many problems with our society, and many things that need to change, but change begins once we change our expectations and what we believe is possible. Now, let’s start dreaming and scheming!