Parenting in the best of circumstances comes with difficulties. There is no way around it, but we do our best and learn as we go. But factor in the unprecedented impact of a pandemic on family life (and on life in general for that matter), and parents definitely face major difficulties! Unfortunately there’s no way around that, either. But two years into the pandemic, I have learned that a flexible mindset works wonders. A flexible mindset turns a so-called ‘ruined day’ into an opportunity to do something different. A muddled schedule allows space to try something new. We are parenting at a challenging time, but here’s the secret: we can turn challenging times into positive experiences.
Parenting at a Challenging Time: Scenario #1
Your young child is home sick from daycare or preschool and you have to take off work. This obviously happens to parents all the time. But during a pandemic, it’s trickier to secure back-up babysitters. Whether your child has covid or a common cold, you’re less likely to find a babysitter willing to put her/himself at risk by watching your sick child. If you are lucky, you may have family nearby with the availability to come help. But not everyone lives near family anymore, and for many people, their childcare facility is their only means of childcare. For single parents, this issue is twice as difficult.
Even if you have family members who can normally help in a pinch, they may have preexisting conditions or health issues that put them at a high risk if they caught your child’s illness. So then the only option is for you to not work – whether that means paid sick leave or unpaid vacation – so you can stay home with your child.
Nobody likes to be sick, and parents especially hate to see their children sick. It’s even worse when you’re both sick! There is very little sleep, and recovery is sooooooo slow. Recovery is top priority, so taking whatever measures to speed your child’s healing and easing their discomfort is your primary focus. The same goes for you if you’re sick too, so that you can stay in decent enough shape to take good care of them (and not feel like death). It can be hard to see much beyond that, but there is a beyond: the loving comfort you give your child. It’s nurturing them with physical closeness, tender words, and extra patience. Patience can be difficult when there is much more fuss and much less sleep, but try to see beyond.
Reframing Scenario #1
The mind-body connection cannot be stressed too much. The feeling of emotional safety and love that your child receives from you will do more to ease their pain and discomfort than any pharmaceutical. When they finally get well and remember this experience, they may remember the unpleasantness of the illness but they’ll also remember how they knew everything was going to be okay since Mama/Daddy/Other-Caretaker was looking after them. They put their complete trust in us. If we allow them to melt into us for comfort during their discomfort and we assure them they’ll be alright, they believe they’ll be alright. That belief is reinforced when they recover.
Long, drawn-out illnesses are hard. And getting more behind on work can be stressful. You may worry about finances. There are likely plenty of things warranting your concern. In this situation, consider this: there is only so much under your control. You literally cannot control external events like this. And we cannot rush illness. We have to ride it out, however impatiently.
Do your best to do whatever you need for self-care (most likely after your child’s asleep). You’ll need it. And within that space, meditate on this one truth: this too shall pass. Because it will! Keep the big picture in mind, and use this trying time as an opportunity to shower your child with more affection, compassion and comfort. We do it imperfectly, for sure – we are only human! But the point is to try and keep your mindset geared this way. Soften your heart so that instead of worrying about work or anything else, you focus on intimate connection with your child. Worrying about work will do nothing. Focusing on loving your child benefits you by creating positive feelings of compassion and gratitude, and it absolutely benefits your child!
Parenting at a Challenging Time: Scenario #2
For health and safety measures, you are now working remotely because you have a job that allows you the flexibility to complete your job duties via VPN (virtual private network) on your computer. Maybe you are thrilled for the opportunity to work in the comfort of your own home. Maybe you don’t like working at home and miss going to the office. Either way, you are faced with a challenge when your child is home from daycare or preschool due to an exposure or confirmed illness that requires the facility to temporarily close.
Photos by Rodnae Productions and Ketut Subiyanto, Pexels
Again, whether or not you have family or friends who can babysit – be it for free or paid, and for however long – depends on your situation and the nature of your support network. If you have no childcare alternatives, you can probably go about your normal workday if your child is old enough to entertain his/herself with minimal supervision. But if your child is young and you have no readily available childcare alternative, you have to take time off work to care for them. Trying to work at the same time can easily become very, very challenging. By now the world should know that parenting at a challenging time does not allow simultaneous work productivity!
Reframing Scenario #2
When your child is healthy but home from their childcare facility due to any external issue, you can look at their day(s) home with you in one of two ways. You can either feel frustrated because you are getting further behind on the work you need to do. You will have to play catch up once you resume working, after all. This can cause you worry and stress which saps your energy and ability to live happily in the moment.
Or, you can look at is as though every day is Saturday! If there is any place your child loves, think of this as an unusual opportunity to go there on a weekday when there are way fewer people there. A fun change in routine will add joy and spontaneity to your child’s day. And while memories fade as we get older and experiences blur together, they may still always remember that one week when they were home from preschool and go to do all these fun things with Mom/Dad.
Visit new libraries together! Take your child shopping with you to knock out some errands! New places are always interesting to children. If you have any organizing tasks you need to do, see if any of them can reasonably involve your child. They probably can’t help with everything, but they love to feel like they’re helping – even by just bringing you things.
Try new crafts or activities you normally don’t do. Find short workout videos online that you can do – your child might enjoy watching, too. (Plus, it can’t hurt to provide positive memory associations for their little growing mind that involve healthy activities like exercise!) Whatever you choose to do, just treat it like a bonus weekend day (or week). And get creative!
Parenting at a Challenging Time: Scenario #3
You child is home from daycare/preschool due to snow or ice and your municipality lacks the resources and adequate protocols to treat the roads in a timely manner (or at all). Whether your child is sick or healthy, this creates a situation similar to the two listed above with the added caveat that nobody can come to your house to help. So even if you have people, no one but a neighbour will be able to safely come to your house to babysit. And if your child’s sick, too, your neighbour probably won’t want to come. And unless you own the most snow-savvy vehicle with all-wheel drive and snow tires, you won’t be able to drive to a grocery to get more wine.
This is a difficult situation indeed because you cannot go anywhere and help cannot always (safely) come to you. You will hopefully have had a heads up from the forecast and stocked your kitchen with essentials (and wine), but more often than not there are at least a few key things you run out of, too late!
Reframing Scenario #3
Your response to this situation could involve either of the two above, depending on the situation. If your child is also sick at this time, you focus on healing measures, easing discomfort, and providing loving comfort. But if everyone’s healthy, then treat it as it is: a snow day! A snow day is basically a Saturday spent at home. And while that sounds much more fun if we are child-less and have an excuse to pamper ourselves all day (or get much-needed projects done, finally), with children we are maximizing the opportunity with bonding efforts and experiences.
Maybe we are annoyed because we have so much work to do and life puts a damper on our plans. But remember to see the opportunity! Within this forced change of plans, you have a chance to connect with your child. You can play their silly games (even if you have to pretend to enjoy them for the 9th time) and you can read them 30 books. Believe me, their visible delight at spending a whole day with you will melt any frustration you feel about the situation and make it all worth it. One day, when they’re a teenager, they probably won’t want to spend a whole day with you. And you will look back on these younger years fondly when you were a superstar to them. They are extremely eager to connect with you, always. This is the perfect opportunity to seize in order to do that!
The Takeaway: Shift Your Mindset toward Connection and Growth
These are all situations when parents can easily become depleted. But don’t let that stop you from turning lemons into lemon bars! Focus on the most important things – adequate physical and emotional care for your child and yourself. Everything else can wait (and it’s out of your control, anyway). That way you can re-direct your mind to what really matters and is entirely in your control: purposefully connecting with your child in a positive and meaningful way.
I recently faced all three of these scenarios consecutively, within the same month! At first, I did not have a flexible mindset. I wasn’t overly anxious about it, but I was frustrated. Through the process, though, I realized how special it was to have so much extra time with my son. I learned to cherish that opportunity, because he grows up so fast. And while he’s normally at preschool part of the week, there will come a time when he’s at school for longer days and a longer year. When our children are our top priority this mindset shift isn’t unnatural, but we have to release the tight grip we sometimes hold on our schedule and plans.
Turn tough times into growth opportunities. Have a flexible mindset. Parenting at a challenging time also applies to tantrums (which we’ll discuss more in future posts). Tantrums likewise cause time to stop and interrupt our plans. How we deal with them, though, is more important than we think. It helps tremendously to relax any mental rigidity and nurture a flexible mindset. No matter the difficult time, let go of frustration over things you can’t control. Focus instead on what you can control: making the most of the present moment. A challenging time is the best time to transform stressful situations into positive experiences!