Anyone who has ever been paralyzed by perfectionism, listen up: our inner space is where it all starts. Whatever baby steps we can take in our lives to feed our soul what it needs will eventually track a mountain of benefits. In order to not be intimidated by tall orders, we have to see value and potential in every small decision over which we have power. There is magic in the little things.
A Journey in an Ill-Fitted Career Path
It took me years to truly embrace this truth, and my career path can attest to that. I worked in the social services/mental health field for most of my twenties before I went back to school at age 29 to pursue my passion in geography and a new career in GIS. I leaped into graduate school because I wanted to do something different, and social service/mental health jobs seemed to be the only ones for which I was qualified since that was the only field in which I had experience and in which I had my Bachelor’s degree (spoiler alert: it rarely pays well and one has to really like that type of work to enjoy it).
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to help improve people’s lives, whether on an individual or society level – quite the opposite. I wanted to change the world. We were taught in school that it is naïve to go out into the workforce with a grandiose ‘change the world’ mentality – not out of cynicism but to realistically know that the impact we can make is not necessarily as giant an impact as we would like. I certainly understood that. However, being a perfectionist, idealist and improvement-focused person, I quickly became disillusioned with the structures in which I found myself working. It wasn’t that I thought I wasn’t trying to help people. Rather, I became frustrated with how much our hands were tied, as agencies and institutions.
Disillusioned and Low on Options
Funding was always rocky and never guaranteed. I gratefully stayed employed during multiple layoffs which were certainly in part due to the ’08 economic crash but also due to the fragile nature of mental health and social service funding (isn’t it interesting how some of the most crucial institutions for vulnerable populations, such as schools and social service programs, are the most dependent on shaky funding?). Health insurance premiums, which previously cost my paycheck nothing, quickly climbed (granted, this was across all industries), and there were raise freezes. Naturally, this can and does happen just as easily in the private sector and so is not necessarily specific to public or governmental agencies.
But I came to learn that all of the work that I did, with my team, to keep a client-centered program running, could quickly be compromised by funding. Tied to funding issues was bureaucratic tape that required specific protocols which made it difficult to tailor services to individuals with specific needs. When working with a vulnerable population, people’s lives have little flexibility in terms of the transportation, childcare and employment options at their disposal, and juggling limitations while meeting criteria required by funding sources to keep our program afloat could be emotionally exhausting. It ultimately didn’t feel like I was making much of a difference.
I did not like going home at the end of the day with the feeling that I went through the motions with my clients but knowing that it may not have necessarily made any impact. This was certainly not always the case, but the barriers seemed endless. I began looking for secretarial jobs rather early in my career because I had no other marketable skillset besides typing and being detail-oriented and organized (queue practically every other female applicant in the metropolitan area). I needed a full-time job with benefits so that I could have health insurance and continue to pay off student loans from a pricey private university (side note: I was financially ignorant as a teen and did not understand the long-term fiscal burden of such an education when considering college options). I never felt I had the option to travel around or take fun cheaper-paying jobs in my 20s, something for which I always envied other college friends from wealthier families or other friends who had no college debt. So my realistic career options were limited.
What Pursuing the Wrong Career Ultimately Taught Me
Income earning aside, I ultimately realized that what was really important to me – to light up my inner space – was shifting paradigms. Change in high places. I would never feel satisfied working in the trenches, going through the motions that I was told were required to help people, even with a positive attitude. I think the main issue was that despite a smile and an outer positivity and politeness, my inner attitude was not positive because I didn’t believe I was making enough of an impact (here is where perfectionism and idealism can break your day if you let it). Not to say that any impact is unimportant – that simply isn’t the case, which is the point here – baby steps do carry weight. But something I have learned about myself is that I am less satisfied with small changes on the ground when it comes to working with other people.
I want to help bring about changes at higher levels to truly benefit society, and while I may or may not pursue that vocationally, I have at least learned what type of work does not fulfill me and why. One could bemoan the waste of money on an expensive undergraduate education and years worked earning a lower salary due to my choice in major, but I understand why I made the choices I made and I accept them and have grown and learned from them.
Despite my perfectionistic idealism, I believe that people were still served to some extent by the work that I and my team did in those previous jobs, and I do believe in taking small steps to make a positive impact. I may have felt that those of us working in that field were all running in a stressful hamster wheel, but from what I have observed in making deliberate choices in my own life, and in the lives of others, small improvements can work like compound interest. Intentionally investing in yourself little by little will pay off in the long run because you will form positive habits that grow into practices that better yourself and your life. These are baby steps!
The Little Things Make All the Difference
Here is another example of how small steps come into play: there were a couple of times, in my teens and then twenties, when I was slightly overweight for a few years. This was obviously due to an imbalance in the calories in/calories out equation, but it was coupled with emotional turmoil which probably spurred unhealthy habits and then caused lower self-esteem which ensured that unhealthy habits continued (anyone?). Over time in each case, I eventually lost weight and remained within a healthier weight range for my skeletal structure.
This weight loss was unintentional and sort of just happened. I have never gone on a diet (why cut out entire delicious food groups when there’s no valid medical reason?). What happened was I implemented healthier habits, one by one. Don’t buy sugary snacks on the go or keep sugar-laden food in the house. Drink roughly 64 ounces of water every day while at work (finish the 32-ounce reusable water bottle in the morning, re-fill it at lunch, and drink another 32 ounces in the afternoon). Drink lemon water first thing in the morning before breakfast. Switch to a different delicious breakfast staple that has less sugar. Always take the stairs. Baby steps. Focus on the little things, one by one.
Take Small Steps to Build Healthy Self-Care Habits
It is crucial that we take the steps necessary, even baby steps, to take care of our inner space. A trendier phrase for working on our inner space is ‘me time’. We need to relentlessly pursue this, even if it doesn’t look as grand and inspiring as we prefer. We are all constant works in progress. I always aspire to intentionally work on my inner space, whether I succeed or not. And there have been years of not succeeding at this, an unfortunate balance struggle in the modern life hustle to which 99% of us can relate. But after having a baby, I learned just how important it is to prioritize time for myself – especially when there was no family around to babysit and my husband sometimes travels for work.
I’ve never understood the lives of people who say they are bored or have nothing to do. I would love to invite all of them to my house and put them to work – there’s always plenty to do around here! But aside from everything we need to do, there are so many things we like to do and for which we rarely have time anymore. Doesn’t it seem like the ‘need-to-do’ things always crowd out the ‘like-to-do’ things, especially when ‘me time’ is rare? I get frustrated when people say you have to ‘make’ time for yourself. I know money doesn’t grow on trees, but even more bizarre a concept is that time can just appear. You obviously can’t add hours to the day. A better directive would be to ‘prioritize’ time for yourself. And here is where baby steps come into play.
We Cannot Make Time, But We Can Learn How to Prioritize Time for Ourselves
If I look at a list of all of the things I need or want to do, I get discouraged and a little stressed out. What I now try to do is accept the fact that not everything will be accomplished and prioritize things based on how important they are, how well they will fulfill me, and how likely they are to help other things to happen. This last bit plays on motivation: if I do something that feeds my soul and helps me feel really inspired and more mentally sharp, I may be better at knocking out something else I would otherwise drag my feet about or at least better able to create a plan that I can reasonably implement to address the other needs.
Accomplishing things that improve ourselves or our lives boosts our morale and confidence. This then accumulates in the same way as compound interest by building upon an inner strength that only continues to expand and touch on all other areas of our lives. This is a concept that takes effort for a perfectionist and idealist like me to grasp. Of course I want to do it all, all the time, like a freight train. However, I have to force myself to re-assess and prioritize the most valuable thing I have, my time, in order to intentionally focus on what is most important and crucial. If you are a parent, this may look like paying a trustworthy neighbour to babysit a few hours a week so you can have undivided attention for yourself. This is what I finally started to do when my son was about 18 months old. It took me a long time to accept that it is okay to spend money for this, even though I worked so hard for years in my twenties and thirties to save money in order to care for my baby at home on one income.
We May Need to Change Our Mindset to Invest in Our Self-Care
I had to change my mindset to see this expense as a very wise investment – in myself – in order to be a better mother and a better person in general. It will look different for everyone. And not everyone will be in a financial position to pay a babysitter (a free alternative is to take turns with a trusted friend to babysit each other’s kids so that you each get alone time and your child has a frequent playmate), but it should never be considered frivolous. Investing in ourselves, in our inner space, is one of the most important investments you can make because it can derail potential disasters by helping you to become more aware of your needs, your strengths, your passions, and your blessings. It can give you a mindset of possibility instead of one of impossibility. And, probably most crucial for me, it helps me to be a better parent because I am more present with my son and delighted to be with him when I am recharged instead of emotionally and mentally depleted.
How to Prioritize Your Time When There Isn’t Much to Spare
When deciding how to prioritize precious little time, focus on who or what is most important to you in your life. For me, this looks like my baby, myself and my husband. My husband and I make time for our relationship on the weekends when he isn’t working as often. My baby is 100% dependent on me to meet his needs, so he takes obvious priority in terms of daily activities – meeting his physical needs, showing him plenty of affection and encouragement, playing with him, going places to socialize with close baby friends, reading to him, etc.
However, it is crucial that I do at least something each day to nurture myself as well, even if I only have twenty minutes or less on a difficult day. What I do depends on how much time I have. The less time I have, the more important it is that whatever I do nurtures me at the deepest level. This may be a quick meditation, therapeutic exercise, or accomplishing a quick task that gives a sense of relief or fulfillment once completed.
The little things do count. For some, it may look like time spent in a brief but meaningful conversation with a good friend, family member or sponsor, or time spent walking or in nature. If I have more time, I can be choosier and include more time-consuming things that I really enjoy. But the point is we need to do at least something that connects us with a personal sense of competence and purpose. My bones always ache to create so writing or doing something artistic is an acceptable use of my time. I have to have a plan I believe in, and I have to believe that I can accomplish goals.
We cannot do everything, but we can do something, and by intentionally choosing the most valuable way to spend our time regardless of how little time we have, we are taking baby steps to expand our inner space and to become more fulfilled. If this perfectionist can do it, so can you!